totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
