This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
