If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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