There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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