i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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