I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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