Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
