how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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