turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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