her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
