I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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