its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.