I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
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I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda