Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
