1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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