you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
