You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I want her autograph on my taint
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
