How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize