Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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