I need to stop coming to work sober
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
