She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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