Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat