My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE