I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
