Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
