turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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