so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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