I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
