I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I could fuck to npr.
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