Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
