Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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