I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
