Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
