you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
