He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
