So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
