3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
