I'm eating all of the evidence.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
