I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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