he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
