Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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