Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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