You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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