I can text with my tongue
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
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Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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