I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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