You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
