If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.