my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
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I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone