Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.