I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay