I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
