Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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