if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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