I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
