i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
