Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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