I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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