Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
