I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
