my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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