I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
