this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
