I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
