i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
North Korea, Best Korea!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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