Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ttyl tear gas
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
