My girlfriend figured out who you are.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
