It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
