I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
