3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
